“I can have a boundary for me and it doesn’t mean I’m acting against you.”
Oh, if we had learned that mantra in childhood how much freer would we feel.
I grew up learning that if I said no to someone’s request or if I had a need of my own I could hurt people’s feelings. The fear of hurting others, or needing their approval, keeps us small and sometimes feeling victimized. Learning to stand up for our healthy needs and to make our own choices is the pathway to complete freedom.
Usually I tell my clients that if they say yes, and then they feel resentful of the other person it’s probably because they have crossed their own boundary.
A boundary is as much a “yes” as it is a no. The “yes” part is knowing what we need and being able to ask for it to be met by another person, the “no” part is knowing when we really don’t want to say “yes”. If we don’t have a no, then our “yes” is really not authentic.
The warning label that comes with this boundary work is that other people may not like it when we start to define our self more clearly in relationships. My experience has been that if a boundary is worded correctly it can be very graceful and unifying, instead of creating conflict.
I teach you how to learn the four steps of establishing a boundary. One of the steps includes the actual wording. A boundary, when worded gracefully, can be a gift to the other person. It certainly is a gift to ourselves.